Skating Rap Babies Love Bottled Water

Watch this:



Am I the only one who's a little creeped out by this? I think I'm in the uncanny valley here. (Yes, I only know what that is because of 30 Rock.) Also, bottled water is evil.

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Why We Can't Cite Wikipedia

So I just typed in the search phrase "Bossy" into Wikipedia, expecting to be taken to a page about the song "Bossy" by Kelis, and here's the result I got (click for bigger):



Uhh... I'm not sure at all what to make of this. At the top, under Bossy, it says: "Bossy People Can Be People Who Can Not Find Duty They Get What They Want And They Always Blame Other People If Your A Bossy Porson I Will Turn You Into An Enormas Blueberry Bubble And My Pet Ooompers Loompers Will Roll You Round And Its Happening Right Now If You Are." Whoa. I would hate to be an enormas blueberry bubble being rolled by oomper loompers. That's followed by a few Wiki links, and then, a list of names of people who will be turned into a bubble. Among what appears to be names of people, we find Barry Manilow (and little-known sibling Locky Manilow) and Violet Beauregard.

This is bizarre. I promise I didn't do it. But the fact that this sort of wackiness is still happening on a site as established as Wikipedia is kind of mind-blowing.

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Take Your Money

So, apparently, "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. became a big hit and I never noticed it until recently. (The same thing happened with Twilight - where the hell did that come from?) This confuses me. It's not that I don't like the song; it's quite good. But I never really pictured it as M.I.A.'s breakthrough hit. I mean, it went to #4 on the US charts, and now it's up for Record of the Year at the Grammys. I don't get how this happened.

My consternation has many sources. First off, this song is old. It was released as a single pretty early this year, all the "hip" folks went nuts, and then it sort of went away. Apparently, it entered the mainstream upon being featured in the trailer for Pineapple Express, gradually climbing the charts. It's not the first song to experience delayed success, so this isn't really the main cause of my confusion.

Bigger cause of confusion: Musically, this song is weird. Not super-weird, but for mainstream radio? Weird. It's way repetitive, M.I.A. seems stuck somewhere between singing and rapping, and the chorus? It is made of gunshots. Lyrically, the song's popularity is even more confounding. M.I.A. goes all Randy Newman on us and attacks Americans for our assumptions about foreigners by acting like we're right. This is where I get truly concerned, as I assume that most people ignore the lyrics in favor of the nifty beat and the novelty of the gunshots. I can't decide if this means M.I.A. wins (she gets our money and our love while totally subverting us) or loses (her message gets totally lost on the deaf American ears she's mocking.) But mostly, I'm just confused how I managed to be entirely unaware of this until now. I need to get back onto the pop culture bandwagon once I'm done with this blasted graduate degree.

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Umm...

Here's another addition to the "Brian-Manages-To-Date-Some-Really-Weird-People" file:

Someone I dated for a few months last year messaged me on MySpace as though he doesn't know me, even referring to himself as a stranger.

I mean, really? I think it's time to get rid of my MySpace profile.

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So Long, and Thanks For All the Herpes

Apparently, if you live in a major metropolitan area, you can now send your hook-ups an e-card to inform them that you may have given them an STD. Yes, thanks to inspot.org, you can anonymously send far-too-witty notices to your casual sex partners that you have the herp and that they should probably look into that.

I'm of two minds on this. On the plus side, the anonymous nature of this may lead some people who would not otherwise notify their partners to take action. Also, recipients of the cards receive instructions on how to get tested. However, it's all a bit too flip for me. Example: "I got screwed while screwing, you might have too." Not only should that comma be a semicolon, but it's a really strange way to break that sort of news. "Hey, guess what? You might have an STD! LOLOLOL! No, but really, go get tested."

Thoughts?

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Enough!

I know we're in the middle of an election and all, but there's a new, way more important tyranny threatening Americans, and that's VH1 Love Shows. Now, dear blog reader, you're probably saying, "Why Brian, these have been around for years." It's true. And you know, I'll be the first to admit that Flavor of Love was one of my favorite guilty pleasures. I can even stomach the idea of Rock of Love, even though I kind of hate it.

No, the problem here is a surfeit of spin-offs. First we had I Love New York, in which the crazy lady from Flavor of Love got to have her own dating show. (She now has New York Goes to Hollywood.) I Love Money, a challenge show starring cast members from each of the series, just wrapped up. And now, perhaps most egregiously, comes Real Chance of Love.



Sorry if that image made you spontaneously vom. Real and Chance are two brothers who originally appeared on I Love New York and hung around for I Love Money. Now they get their own nonsensically-titled show? THIS MADNESS MUST END. I mean, for God's sake, this will be the spin-off of a spin-off. Sure, that worked for Good Times, but at least they were likable (and fictional). These guys? Awful. And look at Real's lady weave. Ugh.

But what I think I'm most irked by is that the show shouldn't be Real Chance of Love - it should be Real Chansey of Love. Bring on the Pokemon dating shows!

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And I Ask Myself: Well, How Did They Get Here?

I use Google Analytics to keep track of how many people are coming to my blog, find out where they're from, and learn other similar interesting bits of minutiae that feed my addiction to useless facts. Perhaps my favorite thing to do is find out what Google search terms people are using to get here. Here are some of the most awesome and wonderfully bizarre:

"Suede" + "hideous" - Clearly, this person has good fashion sense.
"arsenic for the face" - This is going to be the title of my line of feel-good books, a la Chicken Soup for the Soul.
"arsenic in oldface" - Is oldface like blackface? Why would arsenic be "in" it?
"mahna mahna lipsticks" - They should totally sell Mahna Mahna lipstick.
"touch me tina" - Uhh...

And my favorite:

"v. kenley tweedledum" - I have no idea why anyone was searching for this particular string of words, but I love it so much. If for some reason I am ever responsible for naming a child, I want to name it V. Kenley Tweedledum, and then I want it to get a law degree and be V. Kenley Tweedledum, Esq. That would be awesome.

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Seriously, I Can't Handle This Anymore

Dear Michigan,

Please, pick a season and stay there. I can't deal with this roller coaster ride.

Love,
Brian

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Everybody Poops

I recently became aware of something known as YouTube Poop. As it turns out, it's slightly less unpleasant than it sounds:

A YouTube Poop, or YTP, is a mix of media (most commonly video) to generate a video that either stuns, annoys, or entertains its audience. Contrary to popular belief, YTP is not limited to Zelda and Mario cartoons, Over 9000, or Sonic cartoons, but it can be a mix of anything; material is unlimited.

The definition of YouTube Poop and the style is always being altered, and viewers of it have different reactions. To some, YTP is an art, and to others, it is worthless and pointless, with no reason to exist. (Source: The definition on Urban Dictionary that made the most sense to me)

So in essence, it's a re-edited version of something that's already on YouTube. I've looked into a fair amount of Poop since discovering it (there's a sentence I never thought I'd type), and while most of it is annoying and not all that funny, I have found one such video that I am ready to label a masterpiece for our time. It reimagines a scene from Cycle 10 of America's Next Top Model as though David Lynch were directing an episode of Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job. Observe the awesomeness (and brace yourself):



AMAZING.

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Uhh...

Teen Daughter of GOP VP Pick is pregnant

Seriously? This poor girl probably only ever learned about abstinence in school, and as a result, had unprotected sex. Now, she's being forced to keep the baby and marry the guy, mainly as a political statement. My heart goes out to her.

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Uhh...

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